Food For Thought.

I'ts Friday night so before I head out for poker I thought I would show you some pictures of me out eating. A Monkey can not live by cash and hookers alone.

Uncle Sanjay

Yo putzs, so, long time no speak. well i'm a busy fucking monkey, places to go, barbie's to bang....I know right....i'm awesome. so, ok you're thinking what the hell is the m man doing with a towel on his head and why is his usually flawless complexion suddenly spouting a sparkling zit?
Come on guys that's not me, it's my uncle Sanjay.
Sanjay came to life a few months back when Mcdonalds had their around the world promotion, remember that? Ahhhh, man, happy times.
Sanjay is a stand up guy, runs his own business, has a big family... yada...yada... so, over to Sanjay....

"Ahhhh, many greeting and salutations, I am not used to this blogging, oh no, in my country if we want to say something to someone who is not around we grab the nearest elephant and shout down his trunk... oh yes...haha... no, really, we use a phone.
If you are looking for some pickles or a lovely creamy korma then i'm your monkey....oh yes.... except mon-fri when I work in the store and at weekends when I oversee my many restaurants...oh yes.... prosperity comes to those who work seven days a week.
So I will keep this short and sweet like the desserts in my restaurant.
My wife is shouting me...apparently I forgot to feed the baby, in-between creating many secret recipes and saving the family from bankruptcy. How could I be so selfish?!
So my friends I will wish you many happy days and may the water of happiness flow ever upwards in the fountains of your heart.
Don't forget... life is like a jar of lime pickle...oh yes...unless you have a poppadom to spread it on the lime pickle is useless... oh yes.... I say again, useless."

spa day

 so, decided to go to the spa yesterday. i needed some R and R after getting stood up on a valentines date. basically i'd planned on taking this girl to megabowl followed by a Greggs buffet....but she didn't show.....what the flip!? who doesn't show up to a Greggs buffet? anyways when i got to the spa all that shizzit was forgotten when i spied these 4 honeyz sudding themselves in the bubble pool.....

 being a quick thinking monkey i high tailed it over to the local cost cutters and picked up a few (cheap) bottles of cava. i propositioned the ladies into letting me get into the pool with them, at first they seemed hesitant, but after five or six bottles and some rohypnols they seemed to come around to the idea...

 the honeyz started to loosen up and we were soon all having the time of our lives.......

 i decided to call out for some takeaway and got in some burgers, hotdogs and fries. plus a few cokes to wash it all down with....the ladies were very taken with the hotdogs.......foot longs, foot longs girls....

 just call me andy whorehole................oh sweet baby jebus!

 me and whatsername...er natasha...er no, eh whatever names don't matter well me and the blonde snuck into the hot room and ate some spicy burgers while the other girls played hunt the banana fish in the bath

finally after a few hours the girls were wrinkling up and also sobering up so they went home. i took this one back to my pad and well.....use your flippin imagination........all in all a great valentines!!

laters losers

M.M.M

Snow Day

so as usual it's crazy ass freezin, this is england, duh. so what better way for a handsome monkey like me to spend their wednesday....drinking hot chocolate while watching crappy daytime tv. marshmallows are optional but i suggest soaking them in rum (they absorb it perfectly) then adding them to the hot chocolate, that way no one knows and it looks like you are having a regular grandma style afternoon drink rather than the fact that you are a raging drunk watching murder she wrote and alan titchmarsh off ya face. they say it never rains but it pours, they obviously knew what living in england is like, today we have snow. did i go out and build a snowman i hear you ask? hell no, i will stay in doors all day, eating, drinking and watching crap tv until someone carries me to bed, where i will eat and drink and watch crap tv. roll on tomorrow y'all i'm planning on having a meal out for valentine's day. burgers and all that shizzit.

M.M.M

pancake day awesomenessness

 so losers! it's pancake day. now i am no sucker when it comes to pancakes, this shizzit has to be done right. first off you'll want to get your human slaves to make up some pancake mix, this is your basic flower egg n milk thang i believe. i dunno, that stuff isn't interesting to me, i'm more about the eating. anyways, put a little oil in the pan and pour in some mix when the pan is hot.

 now you can be brave and flip your pancake once it is firming up or.....

 use a spazzula and flip it that ways. whatever gets it done. if you drop it on the floor don't worry, remember the 5 second rule and just eat it anyways. if it's covered in dog hair throw it back on the floor and get a human slave to eat it. you can point and laugh at them while they do this, ya know, really make it humiliating....

 once your pancake is browning off you can flip it onto a plate and start thinking about what toppings you are going to use

 here we have some examples. seeing as i will be eating more than one pancake i am going to mix it up on each one. you can see a lemon here, for the traditional types, squeeze the lemon (or get one of your more sexy females to squeeze between their thighs..ya know spice it up a little) then sprinkle on some sugar and then eat it duh! now, to really do this right i am adding banana and toffee sauce......it's gotta have banana on it dammit!!!!

 try not to eat all the banana before putting it on the pancake no matter how tempting it is.....

 oh sweeeeeet jebus........feed it to me!!!!! aaaaargh mmmmmmmm *drool*

 after several pancakes i often get a little bloated, so i use a basic banana eye mask and chill the flip out for a bit. i like to digest mentally and physically the awesomeness that just happened.
once you are well rested you can go back for more

this is just me but for the last pancake i like to roll it into a cigar and just smoke the fucking thing! it's truly an epic day. i think that pancake day has some religious meaning but i don't know. who cares. all i care about is eating and getting my eat on.

for added fun you can mix illegal drugs in with the sugar and then offer it to the human slaves and watch them spaz out.

ok, enjoy!

M.M.M

scams

you ever recieve those emails from an african relative claiming your great uncle bajembay died in a plane crash and all you have to do is send your account details to them to get $100,000,000....

..well you should really reply to them cause i am hard up right now and could do with the cash..this monkey's gotta eat!

anyway, cause you guys are all too wise to my african scheme i am trying out these instead.
number one, i am blind, please spare some change
number two, i have slipped on your property and broke my arm and will see you in court unless you want to pay me right now and save us both a lot of trouble

let me know which is the most convincing and that is the one i will try, maybe you are a scam artist and wanna go into business? let me know. (by work together i mean i will steal all your cash and do a runner, it's not like you can go to the cops over stolen money you shouldn't have in the first place....er don't read this bit)

M.M.M

brighton rocks

let's face it, england is a shithole. it rains all the time, it's dark by 5pm and is scruffy and crap. no on cares about anyone and the only thing to do here is moan about the weather...which is what i am doing now, dammit i am a cliche.

but well this monkey isn't all doom and gloom, there are a few places in england that are pretty sweet. brighton is one of those places i really dig. i don't get to go as often as i like but when i do boy do i have a blast.

first off i wanna say the pier is excellent, yeh it's chavvy but who cares, kids are all about irony these days anyway. like wearing a tshirt that says you're a dickhead means yeh you are cool and not a dickhead because cool people are never dickheads, only it does say you're a dickhead and dickheads aren't cool and it is a bright pink t-shirt and your face does look a bit dickish and so maybe you are a dickhead i don't know who knows....ah fuck it you are probably a dick head. anyway....breath, the pier is cool cause it has video games that are impossible and you always either die on level two on the shooting ones, or run out of time before the first checkpoint on the racing ones. and they cost you a pound a go which is awesome cause after 40 goes you coulda just bought the damn game for your xbox, but you are having fun so who cares...see irony? i don't even know what irony is.

also at the pier they have those toy grabber things which are also awesome cause you never win the toy! that's right, the grabber arms are so weak it's as if they belong to starving african children. children who are so malnourished and weak due to fucked up political corruption and civil war they can't even lift a very light stuffed hello kitty doll....which is a moody hello kitty doll and considerably lighter than a real hello kitty doll (not many people know that real hello kitty dolls contain the ground and crushed bones of 500 real tabby cats.....that's 500 cats per doll people! feel the quality!) anyway you end up pumping £30 in 20 pence pieces into the machine in the attempt to win this thing for whatever reason and always walk away feeling jipped....but at least you wasted an hour and didn't think too hard about how crap your life is so ya know it wasn't a complete waste of time..... just one piece of advice, don't look too hard at the toys either before, or after trying to win them. you will realise they are badly sewn together pieces of crap made by poor people in china who are payed 2 pence a day to make thousands of them. you'll figure out fast you really don't want one and walk away and then have time to think about how crap your life is. it's better to not think too hard and just keep pumping your money into the machine.

as well as the pier brighton has some other cool things, there's Lick...which isn't a brothel (for M.M.M's brothel guide see my other blog..though it's just a guide to toy brothels for stuffed toys) lick is a frozen yogurt place. they serve frozen yogurt in little pots and you can have different toppings on it. like bananas or chocolate or big mac sauce. basically it's tasty and good. and that's all

brighton also has lots of cool shops, which i am usually too drunk to go in. and it is the home to nick cave who is basically a bad ass musician and singer, though he actually lives in hove with all the old people....go figure.

brighton is also home to one of the biggest bird genocides this side of the world. some seagull hitman dropped a cigarette in a nest on the old pier and killed hundreds of starlings....the pier went up like a freaking tinder box! it was awesome, you can google pictures of it and shit.

anyways, i'm bored now..visit brighton, or not, who cares

M.M.M

p.s
my glasses are wonky in the picture cause i got bitch slapped in the face by a seagull just as the photo was taken. i'd been pissing them off all day by throwing chips at them, so i kinds deserved it

theatre of (donut) dreams

well, what a day dear readers!

all the trouble with the FBI etc was washed away in toy court yesterday. basically they were claiming i'd been running drugs across the mexican border into the USA. they got it all wrong and to be honest i DID think i was running drugs across the border. buuuut well tic tacs aren't drugs. what? i thought tic tacs were narcotics and was shoving them up my ass and taking them into the U.S. turns out tic tacs are just a low calorie mint. needless to say i was super pissed that i had wasted a lot of time and energy smuggling this shit when it isn't even illegal. I wasn't quite as pissed as the D.E.A who'd spent millions of tax dollars trying catch me only for it to all be a waste of time.
anyway in the end i am just happy i am not going to toy jail, enough stuff has been up my ass and i don't want to get raped by a toy lion or even worse toy elephant.

i decided to celebrate by getting some donuts. i stopped off in birmingham on the way home and went to the krispy kreme's donut theatre. basically the donut theatre is a place of great beauty and wonder. it's not one of those gay theatres where people prance around pretending to sing and act and shit. it's an awesome theatre where a conveyor belt of donuts move along and are cooked then glazed, then packed into boxes right infront of your eyes! not only that but you can then buy/steal the donuts that have just been freshly made.
i opted for a blueberry stuffed donut and got blue shit in my eye. it was red hot and stained my face and i am thinking of taking them to court. plus it made me look like i was wearing makeup like a frickin extra from braveheart or whatever. gay.

ok, just happy i am not going to jail and or getting raped

laters

M.M.M

living in a bag

times are tough, i'm writing this from a roadside service station, i can't name which one it is cause some government types are onto me......i'll just say it has all three (father, son and holy ghost. for an explanation of this see my earlier post, or haven't you been paying attention!?)

anyway, living in a bag isn't actually so bad. it smells great, i have all the grease i can bath in and i get to wake up and eat burgers for breakfast. they also have gambling machines, which is needless to say fucking awesome.
i can commit lots of crime here cause people are just coming and going all day and don't notice me stealing their wallets as they leave..once they do notice they are halfway down the motorway and i am going the other way down the motorway to the next services. BOOSH!

ok, later chumps

M.M.M

customer feedback

as part of my ongoing business drive for Morris Milton Morrison industries (M.M.M industries) i am really interested to hear what you have to say about things and stuff. *
so feel free to write to me and comment on my posts.

thanks

Morris Milton Morrison CEO of M.M.M industries**



* i could not give one less crappola what you douches in internet land have to say about me or my opinions on anything....i'm and 8 inch high stuffed toy who takes drugs and drinks too much....hell i'm drunk right now.......i'm stuffed with natural fibers and my butt is full of bean bag beads. i have better things to do than think about what i am actually saying...never mind think about what you are saying back to what i am saying.........that said if you wanna give me money that's cool....i need more money cause i got thrown out my house and wrote off my ferrari in the snow the other day and my big mac addiction is through the freaking roof. no really things aren't great.

** morris milton morrison industries is currently in liquidation and Mr. Morris himself is currently being replaced as CEO and under investigation by the FBI, CIA, MI5 and MI6 is there an MI7? there probably is and they are probably looking into what he has been doing.

bowling the sport of the gods

man, i love bowling. there are few sports in the world that encourage you to be both drunk and full of food while playing. think of any freaking bowling alley...anywhere in the world...now think what's in it....big freaking balls obviously and lanes to throw them down but more importantly you'll be thinking of all the fast food outlets that are present... no one really goes to bowl. that's just an aside, that's just a distraction from eating vast quantities of fast food.

unbranded fast food no less! this shit is so bad for you they don't want you to know who really makes it, cause they know that you will soon fall over and have a sudden and massive coronary and die and your family will be all upset and wanting revenge! they want deniability. ''he coulda bought that burger anywhere!''

but anyway, it doesn't really matter about the heart attacks, hell you're getting exercise! quit moaning, you have an excuse to eat as much as you want. it's ok to eat 14 horse burgers and turkey twizlers and wash it down with warm beer while chewing onion rings because: YOU ARE GOING TO WALK 6 FEET CARRYING SOMETHING THEN THROW IT... see exercise.

that's another thing chumps, always use the heaviest ball. even though it adds no real value to your game, in fact it detracts from your ability to actually hit a single fucking pin. and one more thing, always, ALWAYS claim every strike was on purpose. even if the ball bounces 10 feet and goes onto an adjacent lane and makes a strike! it was on freaking purpose.

i don't really know why i started this post....i guess i just wanted to say i am a sporty guy. i like other sports too, there is a common link among them, i can be drunk and full of food/on drugs while playing/doing them. they are in no particular order: mini golf, pool, darts and paragliding.

....the last one is a little difficult but i did it and only killed a few pedestrians

ok bye!

M.M.M

late movember madness

trying out a mustache......heard about movember and yeh i know it's febuary but it is cold and my upper lip is going blue. i thought i would try the french look..........i'm not hundred percent convinced as to how it looks but one plus is that it absorbs burger sauce for later when i am hungry in bed around 1 a.m

i know you may think i grew it fast, but i'm a monkey! i'm hairy...no it isn't a flipping piece of fluff from an old sock stuck on my lip!

screw you guyz!

M.M.M out

p.s

this tache ain't for charity but if you wanna give me money go ahead it's your funeral friends

why gambling is amazing

so yeh, gambling. along with burgers and video games it is another vice of mine. i say vice, but i don't see the freaking problem. yeh i guess i have lost money over the years, and i always hear horror stories on jeremy kyle about how it broke up a family and the kid went without this or that cause the parents were buying scratchcards or some shizzit.

but well, get over it losers! gambling rocks! it's the thrill! the spill the, the ya know! just the chance of it! sometimes i am up, sometimes i am down. but well, i can always cheat at poker and take mega bucks of uncle tony's mafia friends. and anyway yeh i know, what if you get in over your head morris? well there was a time when i was a little freaked out cause i owed money to some pretty heavy russian hamster mafia types. they showed up to my house (crib) and had bats and pinned me down and shit. all like getting crazy and stuff wanting there dolla back (or was it rubles??)....and yeh they totally broke my legs and shit and called the debt payed. so now you are all thinking, morris that is awful i never want my legs broke man! and well, neither did yours truly but well it wasn't a problem....not a problem i hear you say? how is having your legs broken not a problem??? cause i am a freaking STUFFED TOY! i don't even have bones! i just taped some lolly pop sticks to the back of my legs to give em an authentic snap noise. sure fooled those mafia er.....fools

so long story short, gambling isn't for losers and morons and down and outs! gambling is awesome! and yeh, it's a bit selfish to piss all your cash away on scratchcards but i got more class than that......i bet on the dogs and the GG's. with the dogs i always bet on the toy rabbit (he's a friend of mine, ralph is his name, man he puts those dogs to shame)

anyway, flip it, ya only live once, yeh the house always wins, but i live in a house and yeh it's getting taken off me by the bank cause i mortgaged it 14 times to pay for my debts but i am still a high roller yo....

M.M.M

how to win at scrabble

well my first piece of advice would be don't play. that way you can never lose, also this game has ruined friendships, split up loving couples and is on the brink of pushing the planet into thermo nuclear war...er yuh. if you HAVE to play you can easily win by cheating! yeh, just make up words, shakespeare did it all the time! and all the booky types like my cat friend bernard think he is awesome. if you cant make up words you can just distract people and steal their letters, or play on an un-even surface and knock the board towards the end of a game, no one will remember where all the pieces where and no one will have the will to start over...no one is that much of a sado-masochist!

anyway my advice would be don't play at all...it's a game based around words.....words are gay...

i would say just stay in until september cause that is when GTA 5 is out and everyone knows i am not going to really be living until i am living a life of crime on my xbox 360. sure real life is ok..but well, people always get super offended when my uncle tony and me kill barbie hookers after screwing them....i dunno! i say get with capitalism guys! the best transaction is one where you get the goods and services..use them for all they are worth and then get your damn money back even if you were happy with the service...anyway i can kill all the hookers on gta i want and not get in any real shit for it.......

cough......

M.M.M

morris milton morrison's theory on fast food and the holy trinity

for those reading this blog you will still only be just getting to know me. yes, i am a humble monkey. and though i may be used to the finer things in life...top class barbie doll hookers, fast toy sports cars made from lego and the finest sherbert cocain my monkey drug dealers have to offer i am not above fast food....unless i am literally suspended above a huge bucket of kfc about to gorge until i puke.....more on that another time. anyway i am loosing my thread...er....

yeh the holy trinity of fast food. this is a theory i have come up with in many a motorway service station while stuffing my stuffing with greasy fast food. basically if the christians can do it so can i and screw it all to hell if you find it offensive. ok so it goes as thus: colonel sanders is god, the burger king is jesus (gods son on earth sent down to save us from our salad eating sins and put to death by slimfast dieters, he was fried to death in a extra large industrial deep fat fish fryer) and ronald mcdonald last but not least is the holy ghost.

now, first off the reasons for this are as follows, the colonel has to be god! look at him, he's a freaking dude in a white suit with a beard! if you went up to the big pearly's after biting the big one while nashing on one too many super fat meat feast chicago towns you be pretty impressed if upon arriving the first thing you saw was the freaking colonel sat upon a mountain of chicken bones on a giant bargain bucket throne with secret recipe battered chickens for slippers!! yes! you would know for sure you had died and gone to heaven!

 and the burger king...king...king of the jews, king of the burgers! it's obvious, he has a crown and a beard and is the colonels representation here on earth.

as for ronald he's a bit pale and ghostly and looks ill so he is probably the holy spirit. plus no one has seen him for ages and you cant see the holy ghost so that proves it ( apart from in japan where i think he is still used by mcdonalds as a mascot, but over here he creeps people out so i haven't seen him in ages...and the hamburgler..what happened to him??)

anyways, there ya go douches it't that simple. now this order is not really an order of preference, personally my monkey chops love big macs the best. and i know what you are thinking, what about pizza express, frankie and benny's, nando's and all the rest of the fine fine eatery's this earth has to offer...well duh, the twelve disciples! that's were they come in, i can't be bothered to put them in order of name old matty mark luke john and the like, i'll leave that to you. this monkey is tired and hungry and has 12 donuts to eat. and as for my complete lack of correct punctuation and grammer/spelling or whatever i am a street monkey and crazy rapper/rock star. i dont dooooz correkt spellin....er yeh later putzillas

 M.M.M

i hate baths

this was my bi-annual bath night. being a monkey on the go i tend to get covered in lots of food stuffs (usually big mac sauce) now this isn't a problem to me, but the douches i live with think i need to stay clean. we've come to some kinda compromise in that i only have to have baths twice a year. it's still a pain in the ass, and i am usually covered in pizza and or hot sauce after an hour..( more on hot sauce in later posts)
well that's it really. anyway i'm not up for another bath until at least april. m.m.m

pizza and games

so, my first real post here and i wanted to start as i mean to go on. this was an awesome night in with the guys, just chilling..playing a bit of xbox.......(max payne 3) eating pizza and garlic bread...i didn't share any with anyone...this was my dinner dammit! what? don't judge me! later putzes m.m.m

hello world...

well hello world. my name is morris milton morrison. i've decided to start a blog to document my life, my loves, my hates and my adventures. so a little bit about me...as you can see from the photo i am a monkey. i'm about 8 inches tall, brown furred and have small blackberry eyes. i wear glasses but don't let that fool ya douches...i ain't no nerd...though i do like video games...screw you, don't judge me!!! ok, what else? my favourite things are Mcdonalds..big macs, fries, basically the whole flippin menu rocks...i also like going to the cinema to see action films, driving my ferrari and banging blonde barbie dolls...that's right i may be a kids toy but i live an adult life..so sue me!