Food For Thought.

I'ts Friday night so before I head out for poker I thought I would show you some pictures of me out eating. A Monkey can not live by cash and hookers alone.

Uncle Sanjay

Yo putzs, so, long time no speak. well i'm a busy fucking monkey, places to go, barbie's to bang....I know right....i'm awesome. so, ok you're thinking what the hell is the m man doing with a towel on his head and why is his usually flawless complexion suddenly spouting a sparkling zit?
Come on guys that's not me, it's my uncle Sanjay.
Sanjay came to life a few months back when Mcdonalds had their around the world promotion, remember that? Ahhhh, man, happy times.
Sanjay is a stand up guy, runs his own business, has a big family... yada...yada... so, over to Sanjay....

"Ahhhh, many greeting and salutations, I am not used to this blogging, oh no, in my country if we want to say something to someone who is not around we grab the nearest elephant and shout down his trunk... oh yes...haha... no, really, we use a phone.
If you are looking for some pickles or a lovely creamy korma then i'm your monkey....oh yes.... except mon-fri when I work in the store and at weekends when I oversee my many restaurants...oh yes.... prosperity comes to those who work seven days a week.
So I will keep this short and sweet like the desserts in my restaurant.
My wife is shouting me...apparently I forgot to feed the baby, in-between creating many secret recipes and saving the family from bankruptcy. How could I be so selfish?!
So my friends I will wish you many happy days and may the water of happiness flow ever upwards in the fountains of your heart.
Don't forget... life is like a jar of lime pickle...oh yes...unless you have a poppadom to spread it on the lime pickle is useless... oh yes.... I say again, useless."

spa day

 so, decided to go to the spa yesterday. i needed some R and R after getting stood up on a valentines date. basically i'd planned on taking this girl to megabowl followed by a Greggs buffet....but she didn't show.....what the flip!? who doesn't show up to a Greggs buffet? anyways when i got to the spa all that shizzit was forgotten when i spied these 4 honeyz sudding themselves in the bubble pool.....

 being a quick thinking monkey i high tailed it over to the local cost cutters and picked up a few (cheap) bottles of cava. i propositioned the ladies into letting me get into the pool with them, at first they seemed hesitant, but after five or six bottles and some rohypnols they seemed to come around to the idea...

 the honeyz started to loosen up and we were soon all having the time of our lives.......

 i decided to call out for some takeaway and got in some burgers, hotdogs and fries. plus a few cokes to wash it all down with....the ladies were very taken with the hotdogs.......foot longs, foot longs girls....

 just call me andy whorehole................oh sweet baby jebus!

 me and whatsername...er natasha...er no, eh whatever names don't matter well me and the blonde snuck into the hot room and ate some spicy burgers while the other girls played hunt the banana fish in the bath

finally after a few hours the girls were wrinkling up and also sobering up so they went home. i took this one back to my pad and well.....use your flippin imagination........all in all a great valentines!!

laters losers

M.M.M

Snow Day

so as usual it's crazy ass freezin, this is england, duh. so what better way for a handsome monkey like me to spend their wednesday....drinking hot chocolate while watching crappy daytime tv. marshmallows are optional but i suggest soaking them in rum (they absorb it perfectly) then adding them to the hot chocolate, that way no one knows and it looks like you are having a regular grandma style afternoon drink rather than the fact that you are a raging drunk watching murder she wrote and alan titchmarsh off ya face. they say it never rains but it pours, they obviously knew what living in england is like, today we have snow. did i go out and build a snowman i hear you ask? hell no, i will stay in doors all day, eating, drinking and watching crap tv until someone carries me to bed, where i will eat and drink and watch crap tv. roll on tomorrow y'all i'm planning on having a meal out for valentine's day. burgers and all that shizzit.

M.M.M

pancake day awesomenessness

 so losers! it's pancake day. now i am no sucker when it comes to pancakes, this shizzit has to be done right. first off you'll want to get your human slaves to make up some pancake mix, this is your basic flower egg n milk thang i believe. i dunno, that stuff isn't interesting to me, i'm more about the eating. anyways, put a little oil in the pan and pour in some mix when the pan is hot.

 now you can be brave and flip your pancake once it is firming up or.....

 use a spazzula and flip it that ways. whatever gets it done. if you drop it on the floor don't worry, remember the 5 second rule and just eat it anyways. if it's covered in dog hair throw it back on the floor and get a human slave to eat it. you can point and laugh at them while they do this, ya know, really make it humiliating....

 once your pancake is browning off you can flip it onto a plate and start thinking about what toppings you are going to use

 here we have some examples. seeing as i will be eating more than one pancake i am going to mix it up on each one. you can see a lemon here, for the traditional types, squeeze the lemon (or get one of your more sexy females to squeeze between their thighs..ya know spice it up a little) then sprinkle on some sugar and then eat it duh! now, to really do this right i am adding banana and toffee sauce......it's gotta have banana on it dammit!!!!

 try not to eat all the banana before putting it on the pancake no matter how tempting it is.....

 oh sweeeeeet jebus........feed it to me!!!!! aaaaargh mmmmmmmm *drool*

 after several pancakes i often get a little bloated, so i use a basic banana eye mask and chill the flip out for a bit. i like to digest mentally and physically the awesomeness that just happened.
once you are well rested you can go back for more

this is just me but for the last pancake i like to roll it into a cigar and just smoke the fucking thing! it's truly an epic day. i think that pancake day has some religious meaning but i don't know. who cares. all i care about is eating and getting my eat on.

for added fun you can mix illegal drugs in with the sugar and then offer it to the human slaves and watch them spaz out.

ok, enjoy!

M.M.M

scams

you ever recieve those emails from an african relative claiming your great uncle bajembay died in a plane crash and all you have to do is send your account details to them to get $100,000,000....

..well you should really reply to them cause i am hard up right now and could do with the cash..this monkey's gotta eat!

anyway, cause you guys are all too wise to my african scheme i am trying out these instead.
number one, i am blind, please spare some change
number two, i have slipped on your property and broke my arm and will see you in court unless you want to pay me right now and save us both a lot of trouble

let me know which is the most convincing and that is the one i will try, maybe you are a scam artist and wanna go into business? let me know. (by work together i mean i will steal all your cash and do a runner, it's not like you can go to the cops over stolen money you shouldn't have in the first place....er don't read this bit)

M.M.M

brighton rocks

let's face it, england is a shithole. it rains all the time, it's dark by 5pm and is scruffy and crap. no on cares about anyone and the only thing to do here is moan about the weather...which is what i am doing now, dammit i am a cliche.

but well this monkey isn't all doom and gloom, there are a few places in england that are pretty sweet. brighton is one of those places i really dig. i don't get to go as often as i like but when i do boy do i have a blast.

first off i wanna say the pier is excellent, yeh it's chavvy but who cares, kids are all about irony these days anyway. like wearing a tshirt that says you're a dickhead means yeh you are cool and not a dickhead because cool people are never dickheads, only it does say you're a dickhead and dickheads aren't cool and it is a bright pink t-shirt and your face does look a bit dickish and so maybe you are a dickhead i don't know who knows....ah fuck it you are probably a dick head. anyway....breath, the pier is cool cause it has video games that are impossible and you always either die on level two on the shooting ones, or run out of time before the first checkpoint on the racing ones. and they cost you a pound a go which is awesome cause after 40 goes you coulda just bought the damn game for your xbox, but you are having fun so who cares...see irony? i don't even know what irony is.

also at the pier they have those toy grabber things which are also awesome cause you never win the toy! that's right, the grabber arms are so weak it's as if they belong to starving african children. children who are so malnourished and weak due to fucked up political corruption and civil war they can't even lift a very light stuffed hello kitty doll....which is a moody hello kitty doll and considerably lighter than a real hello kitty doll (not many people know that real hello kitty dolls contain the ground and crushed bones of 500 real tabby cats.....that's 500 cats per doll people! feel the quality!) anyway you end up pumping £30 in 20 pence pieces into the machine in the attempt to win this thing for whatever reason and always walk away feeling jipped....but at least you wasted an hour and didn't think too hard about how crap your life is so ya know it wasn't a complete waste of time..... just one piece of advice, don't look too hard at the toys either before, or after trying to win them. you will realise they are badly sewn together pieces of crap made by poor people in china who are payed 2 pence a day to make thousands of them. you'll figure out fast you really don't want one and walk away and then have time to think about how crap your life is. it's better to not think too hard and just keep pumping your money into the machine.

as well as the pier brighton has some other cool things, there's Lick...which isn't a brothel (for M.M.M's brothel guide see my other blog..though it's just a guide to toy brothels for stuffed toys) lick is a frozen yogurt place. they serve frozen yogurt in little pots and you can have different toppings on it. like bananas or chocolate or big mac sauce. basically it's tasty and good. and that's all

brighton also has lots of cool shops, which i am usually too drunk to go in. and it is the home to nick cave who is basically a bad ass musician and singer, though he actually lives in hove with all the old people....go figure.

brighton is also home to one of the biggest bird genocides this side of the world. some seagull hitman dropped a cigarette in a nest on the old pier and killed hundreds of starlings....the pier went up like a freaking tinder box! it was awesome, you can google pictures of it and shit.

anyways, i'm bored now..visit brighton, or not, who cares

M.M.M

p.s
my glasses are wonky in the picture cause i got bitch slapped in the face by a seagull just as the photo was taken. i'd been pissing them off all day by throwing chips at them, so i kinds deserved it